If there is one thing my friends know me for, it’s the fact that I have met a lot of gay guys online over the years. In fact, they call me ‘stalker’, because I know most guys in the online gaybourhood. Once you are on Facebook, there is a likelihood that I have gone through your profile. I won’t be exaggerating if I say I have met over a thousand guys online in the last five years. Some were acquaintances for less than five minutes, others as much as five years.
I have decided to share a list of the types of guys I have met over the years. This is a personal opinion and may not be generally acceptable, but every guy I have met falls under one or more of the categories.
THE FREAKS
Okay, these guys are very few that I have met. I made the acquaintance of this guy on 2go sometime last year, and the first thing he told me was that he loved to get freaky. He asked me if I could piss and shit on him, if I could piss in his mouth and all over his face. I found it funny and decided to play along with him. He told me he loved to get shit and piss all over his body, and asked if I liked it. So, just imagine you’re sex-chatting with someone and talking about dick and ass, only this time, you remove the dick and ass, and replace them with piss and shit. That was all he was about. It was so nauseating. After a short while, he figured out that I wasn’t for real because I wasn’t as enthusiastic as he’d expected me to be. So he removed me. I had a good laugh after that episode.
THOSE LOOKING FOR HUSBAND
These guys are the ones who go around social networks advertising their “market”. All they want is a husband. They are not looking for friendship or romance. They just want someone to get married to them. I met one such character in a room on 2go. His online pseudonym was “Wifey” or something like that. I added him because I found the name funny. He said he was looking for a husband who would – what else? – take care of him. He said he was willing to relocate to anywhere and be the wife of any man, as long as he was working and staying alone. I actually found this funny because of the way he was going on about it. We chatted for some days and I knew we were just not meant to be, so I removed him. I thought that was all there was to it, until I saw him on Grindr with his full picture on, with the same pseudonym, “Wifey”, and his profile said it all. I pray he gets the husband he dreams of.
THE MODELLA
These guys are quite numerous. I have met a lot of them over the years. They all had one thing in common – they were all “models”. If you ask any of them what they do, they’d tell you that they are models. This often makes me wonder when modeling became such a lucrative career in Nigeria that every young skinny good-looking guy was suddenly into it.
Now, I have nothing against models, but when will young guys realise that just snapping an overly-edited photo in a studio and being able to look photogenic doesn’t a model make. Such photos don’t even impress me; I find that they are often not true representations of what these guys look like.
THE ANTI-BISEXUALS
I don’t need to explain this lot, because we have a lot of them. I have a friend who once told me that he hates bisexuals, because they are against everything “gay”. He however said I was just an exception (Thank God for that).
THE ANTI-EFFEMINATES
The first question these guys ask you is, “Are you girly?” “Do you shele?” “I hope you don’t act like a woman…” They don’t want to be seen with any male who looks, walks or talks like a girl. (God forbid!) If they perceive any trace of effeminacy in you, then it’s bye-bye to that acquaintanceship.
THE SET-UP GUYS
These guys are everywhere. They are ruthless, wicked and oftentimes just as gay as their victims. A friend told me the weirdest story on how he was set up by a guy who used a different picture on 2go. When he went to visit the guy in his area, he left him in the agreed meeting point for hours and his number wasn’t available. My friend didn’t have transport fare to go back home with, because this guy was supposed to pay his fare.
As he waited, some stranger came up to him and started chatting him up. They chatted till nightfall, and then the stranger told him that he was the one he was waiting for. He followed the revelation up with a threat that he would kill him if he didn’t do as he said. He took my friend’s phone and what little money he had on him. He even ordered my friend to strip off his clothes and shoes; he wanted to take them as well. My friend pleaded with him so profusely that he eventually had a change of heart.
That was not all. This guy then tackled my friend to a dark and lonely corner, whipped out his dick and commanded him to suck it. It was after the blow job was done that he let my friend go.
THE JOBBERS
These guys do it for the money. They might ask you out or chase you around, but when you show any sort of interest, they’ll ask to be paid for having sex you. I remember a guy who I chatted with for months and I assumed we had something going on. He told me he was passing through Abuja to go to his base in Benue, and he needed a place to spend the night. I told him I would think about it.
And then, he went on to say I should prepare for him and should at least give him transport fare, like 3k for fucking me. I was quite disgusted because he is like two years older than me.
Some straight gay-curious guys fall into this category. I have met some of them who say that if the price is right, they are willing to succumb. One even told me that if I can provide for his needs, he would be willing to do anything for me. When you complain that you don’t have money, they’ll tell you as a reminder, “You know I am straight and not gay, I am only doing it because of the money.”
THE MARRIED GAY MEN
These men are married, and some of them like to rub it in the faces of others. They feel like they have crossed over one big hurdle, and for that act of “bravery”, they are better than those others who aren’t ready or don’t want to. When you meet them, the first question they ask you is, “Do you have a girlfriend?” They want to make sure you won’t be clingy or be too “gay” for them to handle. They’re the ones who’ll tell you to start having sex with girls so that you won’t like gay sex more than straight sex. This category can include the gay men who are either affianced or have steady heterosexual relationships.
THE BORN-AGAIN GAYS
This lot actually baffles me a lot. They are the ones you see in 2go rooms, preaching to other guys and telling them that hell awaits anyone who has had sex with fellow guys. They’re the ones you meet on a normal day, chat up, get friendly and then ‘friendlier’ with. And then, one day, you send them a message and they’d tell you, “Sorry, I am no longer gay.” And when you ask them when they stopped being gay, they’d say, “It happened two Sundays ago after service.” After sometime of having them in your friend list, you decide to delete them because you have nothing to talk about anymore.
Then three months later, you’d get a message from a strange number. It turns out to be the born-again, and he wants to get down with you. When you attempt to remind him what happened some months ago, he would feign ignorance.
I have met a lot of them over the years and I am tired of even counting them. One even told me he was cured from HIV when he attended a program in Deeper Life and promised never to go back to his “vomit”.
THE SELF-CREATED GAYS
I don’t know how to regard this category of gay guys. They are the ones who claim that they voluntarily decided to have sex with guys and can stop whenever they want to. Now, there is a difference between the straight guys who fuck for pay and these guys. These guys are gay guys who love gay sex but they claim they decided to be gay and can stop whenever they want to, and they hate it when you call them “gay”. For some reason, they find it tolerable when you call them “TB”. It makes me wonder, who in his right senses will wake up one morning and decide to just be gay, knowing full well the inhospitable gay clime in this country. I mean, of all the choices you decided to make, it was to be gay? If you’re in this category and you’re reading this, do you see how ridiculous you sound when you make your claims?
And when their drama creates verbal altercation between you and them, they will say nastily to you, “Na gay go kill you and na people like you who go dey do gay till old age, you no go marry, see your head, old man.” *shaking my head*
THE STRAIGHT-GUY LOVERS
Now, these are the ones who have a thing for straight guys. They say there is something about straight guys that they just can’t do without. These guys want absolutely nothing to do with their fellow homosexuals. Instead, they are on a perpetual mission to seduce straight guys, sometimes with the promise of money. They have perfected the adage that “everything has a price”, and they use it to their advantage.
THE THUGS/ROUGHNECK LOVERS
These guys have a thing for rough guys. They are not into pretty boys or clean-looking guys. They love their men thuggish. Some even say they prefer guys who smoke weed and that they love the smell and taste of weed on their noses and tongues, even when they don’t smoke the weed themselves. Tattoos and a dark complexion is the icing on the cake.
THE SEX FREAKS
These are the guys who are only into sex. They don’t want romance, and relationships are a foreign concept to them. Once you meet them, they expect you to come over for a quick romp, sometimes that very day you are meeting for the first time online. If you don’t comply, you’ll find yourself out of their universe faster than it takes to type ‘Hi’ to a potential hook-up on Grindr.
THE NUDISTS
ThI haven’t met anyone in this category, but I feel they deserve a special mention. I have heard of them. They sleep with small boys, teenagers and those in their pre-teens. They seduce them with material things. In fact most people I have met tell me that they were molested at a very young age by someone close to them. Now, some of those who were molested were not lured by material things, but some were naïve and just loved the attention given by an older man they most likely looked up to.
I know the list is not exhaustive and that there are many more categories of gay men out there. But I just have to stop here. So, guys, which category do you belong in? Don’t be shy. You can tell us.
As was written by Sinnex!