The absence of sex can make any man go crazy, but for gay guys, it’s a particular form of insanity. When everyone around you is getting laid, the reality that you’re not becomes depressing. So much so that everything starts revolving around the visible dry spell you’re trying to get over. But hey, we’ve been there! To prove it, here are some things you’re probably suffering through whether you care to admit it or not.
1). Masturbationis non-negotiable when planning your day. Wake up, masturbate. Before you go to sleep, masturbate. The pesky things in the middle only take up well-needed time.
2). Your fantasies are a bit overboard. The imagination gets crazy the longer you go without sex. Suddenly, you’re imagining your favorite barista giving you coffee in a jock strap; your boss laying papers on your desk dressed in a ball and gag; your roommate doing yoga in the nude – so many images with absolutely nothing tying them together. It’s like your entire world turns into a personalized YouPorn channel.
3). You take the alternate route to work just to stare at that one billboard. You know the billboard I’m talking about. The one with the model who is totally your type – his eyes speak to you and his face looks like chiseled by a Greek God. He’s yours, he just doesn’t know it yet, so you need to visit him every day to send it out in the universe. Maybe he’ll get the message via ESP.
4). You start watching gay porn for the story lines. For whatever reason, you want to know the men behind the scene. Are they, in fact, roommates in college? Are they, in fact, coworkers? Aw, that’s so sweet the pool boy has a crush on his boss. Aw, how adorable – that one runner spotted the guy running next to him and now they’re having sex.
5). Grindr is on the home page of your Smartphone. Who needs the extra seconds to click on your applications page and scroll down when you can hit the home option and go straight to it? Every second counts when you’re on the hunt for a steamy bathroom romance.
6). The pursuit of sex wastes time and never seems to have an actual result. The countless hours of Grinding away on your phone, having met many potential candidates, ends up being a waste of time, because even now after hours of Grinding, you’re still home alone in your bed with the laptop open. Maybe sex apps are a waste of time…? Nah! There’s always tomorrow.
7). You’re insanely jealous when someone else is having sex. They aren’t even as good-looking as you. Hell, they’re not even kinky or wild or sexually stimulated by everything as well as you are, but they seem to be having sex. Constantly. What is wrong with this world?
8). You don’tremember the last time you wore sexy underwear on purpose. You always look for opportunities to buy sexy underwear, but it’s become a natural thing to wear your favorite trunks when no one knows. When was the last time you wore them specifically for another man to lust after? Uh… eh… hmm…
9). You become a cock-block because if you can’t have it, no one can! Don’t mean to start a vendetta, but by God if you can’t have sex, then no one will. The thought of someone else getting penetrated while you’re stuck at home watching Netflix with your cat is too much to bear. Either turn the volume up or constantly put your body in the middle of theirs when watching Fashion Police. Sorry, not sorry.
10). Eating becomes erotic. Never make eye contact while eating a banana. Never eat out an orange slice at the table. Never suck on a spaghetti noodle in public. These just inspire you to think naughty thoughts.
11). You’re subscribingto more and more gay tumblr accounts. For whatever reason, “archive” becomes a word that is part of your daily vocabulary. That, and “refresh.”
12). The dude in the subway smiles in your direction and without questioning it, you go for the kill. It comes out like word vomit: “Are you from around here?” “My name is ____. I take this route all the time.” “May I penetrate you tonight?” “Here’s my number.”
13). Shirtless photos of hot male celebrities are at the top of your Google searches. You can’t help it. There always seems to be a new actor taking his shirt off at some gay club or at the beach. You need to be the first to see it so you can live vicariously through him. Lord knows you’re deprived of these images at home.
14). You go to the gym for the eye candy. You arrive at the gym ready for a day of sweat and stretching. Three hours later, you realize you spent ten minutes on the elliptical, ten minutes on the yoga mat, and two hours and forty minutes in the sauna. But the sauna is good for you, right? Sweats out the toxins, right?
15). A nonchalant touch from a strange man is the hottest thing in the world. Sometimes you’ll even force it by “accidentally” running into the guy at the gym who is trying his damn hardest to not make eye contact with you.
16). You carry condoms to make yourself feel better. Somehow they give you confidence that if there’s ever an opportunity, you will be ready for it!
17). You spend $200 on Live Webcam sex when you’re drunk at home, only to forget about it the next day, until you check your bank account. Story of your life.
18). You start making trips to the office convenience even if you don’t need to go. You never know, maybe you’ll run into some hot stallion, make eye contact with him and lure him inside a stall to have your way with each other. It hasn’t happened yet, but, you know… it might.
19). When there’s a glimmer of hope you might be having sex, you start planning for it like it were the Olympics. It’s on like Donkey Kong. Shower, shave, trim, body butter, pheromone oil, set the candles, get the towel ready, turn the music on, prepare the condom. You think he’s into poppers? You think he’s cut or uncut? You think he wants wine or hard liquor? Oh God, he’s here. Oh no wait, that’s just the cat lady downstairs. Ok, phew, just breathe. It’s okay. You’re going to get laid and it’s going to be smooth sailing… I need a drink.
20). The second you get laid, you tell the world about it. Everyone short of your mother knows you got it in last night because, hey, you’re the king! You had sex and now you’re ready to conquer the world. Hell, maybe you’ll even do it again!
Culled